It's Just a Scratch Now
by AndroidEvian
Summary: Ichigo is left confused and depressed by past events, but Renji clears up his dismay and is able to admit something to Ichigo that he had hoped to hear for a while.


_Soundtrack: As Ichigo and Renji have some sexy time: watch?v=sZRH4YMf4TQ_

 _The beginning paragraph: watch?v=T1Egp7edK20_

 _Ichigo's daydream: watch?v=8p49_2TMHJI and watch?v=nZChQ9NB89o_

 _Album Ichigo gave to Byakuya: watchv=OrSR0UTndUc &list=PLANzq6zweA3bkkUTvnmIFPcrV1mYkBfiB_

Blood dripped from my body, thanks to my new hobby of getting in fights with Kenpachi. Something had become comforting about seeing blood, rushing out from the wounds in my skin, ever since Rukia had near been executed and the war with the Bounto had near destroyed Soul Society. Was it that I could have such a filthy secret, all to myself? Or was it that I felt stronger when I did it, like if I could take the risk of severing my own vein by my own hand, I could face up to anything? I wasn't really consciously bothered by all that had happened. I guess it was just a delayed stress. I always felt responsible for everything, especially my friends's pain. I guess I was running from it, all the time.

I suddenly realised someone was knocking on my door. I pulled on my shirt quickly, calling "Coming!" I opened the door to Renji, a nice surprise. A half smile, the type that makes any female go weak in the knees, spread across his face. I invited him in to my room, made some coffee, and lit a cigar for the two of us. Renji then told me the purpose for his visit.

"So, it's Captain Kuchiki's birthday," he'd only just started talking and I'd near spit out my coffee. "Oi! Let me at least finish talking, jack ass!" he took a hit from the wine flavoured cigar I'd lit, drawing in a breath and exhaling, as if it calmed a desire to punch me.

"Gomen..." I apologised, blushing with embarrassment, and he handed the cigar back to me, letting me take a drag.

"So anyway, it's his birthday, and Soul Society is holding kind of a formal dinner in his honour. You know, "A toast to Kuchiki-Taicho!" all that jazz. It's more of a 1700's England sort of party than the kiddy shit you're probably used to. Anyway, you wanna come? There'll be plenty of alcohol and lots of ladies." Renji narrowed his eyes in a hinty sort of way, drawing from the cigar again, like some sexy baron, making me laugh. My heart was screaming "Yes! Hell yes! Let's get wasted and lay some women!" but I was a bit exhausted of so much human contact, attending all the mandatory meetings, practicing with all the students at the academy, commanding a squad, like Renji, now that I was a Captain like him.

"Ichigo?" Renji's concerned voice snapped me back to reality. "What's wrong? Do you want to go or not?"

"A-Ah! I want to go." I took another thoughtful drag of the cigar, collecting my words "I've just been trying to find some time for myself. I'm still drained from all the social stuff of the last couple weeks."

"Baka. If you don't feel like going, just say so. I was planning to stay in with you tonight anyway." he huffed, inhaling from the cigar as I passed it to him once more and throwing his hands behind his head with a slight blush in his cheeks. _He wants to go, but he's worried about me..._ I realised. _I've got the best friend in the world._

"Yeah. That sounds good." I smiled, a little more genuinely than usual. Renji and I hadn't spent a lot of time together, since we'd been put out to patrol different areas of Japan for Hollows lately. I'd been lonely and overcrowded at the same time because of this. But it looked like our schedule's were finally emptying out a little.

"I'll come by tonight at six?" he clarified.

"I'll be waiting." I nodded, already working out which Netflix show we'd start together. I knew he'd probably bring my favourite sake, and a couple of surprise alcohol options to mix if I grew bored of it.

"Alright then, later, red pineapple." I smiled, walking him out the door.

"Later, carrot top." He replied, surprising me with a light touch to my shoulder before leaving. It felt nice, reassuring. Today was my day off. Today was every Captain's day off, based on how little Hollow were disturbing the atmosphere. I was really hopeful that Renji wouldn't bail on me. It was 3:15 PM. I could occupy myself til then. I cleaned up a little, since the space given to me looked like shit with how much time I'd spent in my head, on my bed, and out of sync with the world around me. I was only more disappointed in my sloppiness after seeing how dirty I'd let my mother's shrine become, in my living room.

I dusted it off, rearranged all the items that had been strewn over the table, and set it up again, as it was before I'd neglected it. The picture of her contained a smile, her brown eyes warm, and her cheeks blushed with life. But the energy from the shrine was cloudy, full of concern and confusion. I lit the candles that had long blown out and hadn't glowed for some weeks, maybe even a month.

"Gomen, Kaa-san. I don't know what's wrong with me either." I lay on my couch, deciding some tunes would be good to pass the time, as the cleaning had taken hardly more than an hour, and it was way too hot outside to enjoy a walk in the zen gardens. I searched through my CD collection, looking for one both me and my mother would enjoy. She wasn't alive, I knew that. But her spirit lingered enough, I think, to enjoy a good CD with her son. I managed to dig up one of her favourites that we had picked up in a music store after I'd pointed out the album art to her, saying something like "Let's listen to the CD so the girl on the cover won't be sad anymore."

"Oi, Kaa-san. You and me listened to Coldworld all the time when I was a kid, remember?" I held the album case up to her shrine. "It's your favourite album, too; 'Autumn.' You said you appreciated the honesty of it, that the honest feelings and how they were expressed was why you thought it was such a beautiful album."

I walked over to my stereo, booting up the speakers and inserting the disk into the drive. I let the opening track, 'Autumn Shades,' erase my thoughts, and I closed my eyes. It's a strange escape, the fading of your surroundings, that comes with music. No words, but imagery more powerful than any best selling novel could offer. No dwelling, but the feeling of each song consumes you. No thoughts, but every bit of the song fills your mind. My day dreams were as real as the music. I could feel the withered leaves crunching beneath my feet, the crisp air refreshing my lungs, the reassuring weight of Zengetsu on my back. The golden sun shone down a path, and I followed it, down to the purest lake I'd ever seen. In the clear waters, I could see every reason that Byakuya and other Shinigami had such a strong dislike of humans. This lake was so beautifully clean, so untouched by mankind's sloth and inconsideration of the life that lived in it and that existed because of it.

But it was a dream, a conjuring of my imagination guided by the music that had lulled me into an REM state. My strong imagination was a gift from my mother, her way of seeing possibilities and the best of every situation being what kept her so happy when she was alive. The real world was polluted, corrupted... The Shinigami world wasn't any less real. But I think they call the human world "the real world" because dreams are known to be beautiful, as much of the atmosphere and surroundings of Soul Society are. Reality is so harsh in comparison to dreams, and the human world has so few natural wonders left to behold. Trees are cut down, lakes are filthied, species are still going extinct.

Around me, the trees began to decay as my thoughts darkened. The lake began clouding over, from crystal clear to murky brown. The sunlight began to fade. I remember feeling quite sad at this point, making my leave from the dying forest, the same way I came in. The previously strong trees groaned in the bitter wind, the cracking of their dry bark shattering them to pieces. I woke myself up, the CD had finished along with my visual and philosophical meditation. The candle on my mother's shrine had burned out again, and I could only guess that the increase in my spiritual pressure's negative energies had blown the flame down. It was 4:55 PM, and I distracted myself from my anxiety for Renji's arrival a bit more by paying Byakuya a visit with something I thought he'd like. It was his birthday, and he was a decent guy underneath that cold, taut-strung mask. He just needed a little help being warmed up and loosened out a little. Making my way down to the hall, I found number six, and knocked on the door, breathing deeply. _He doesn't hate you... he just thinks you're immature._

"Oh, it's you, Kurosaki. What do you need?" My mouth dropped open a bit at the sight of his loose robes, milky white skin and sculpted upper body exposed. _Who knew he was the introverted exhibitionist type..._ "Well?" he continued, impatiently awaiting my reply.

"Ah, gomen! I just wanted to give you something I think would suit your tastes." Surprise and some gratitude sparkled through his dark eyes as I handed him the CD I figured he'd like.

"Sacrimoon?" he said curiously, looking at me for verification.

"It's music... from the human world." I blushed with shame as the word "human" passed through the quiet air.

"Kurosaki, I dislike what humans become. That doesn't mean I'm completely averse to their culture." he said, shaking his head with some annoyance. "I'll check this out, fair enough? It looks like something worth indulging in."

"Hontou? Arigato, Kuchiki Taicho!" I said eagerly, bowing.

"Don't thank me yet, I can't say that I'm fond of it until I've given it a listen."

"S-Still! Thank you for accepting it."

"You're welcome. Goodbye, Kurosaki." I bowed one more time, and made my leave, before Rukia's brother remembered how annoying he found me. I found my way back to my own living space. I shuffled through my collection once more, the time being 5:25 PM, and I wanted to explore my tastes a little more since I had the time on my hands to do it. I found something that interested in me, mostly due to the title.

"'Life Starts Now,' huh?" I sighed, only playing a few tracks since I felt the album was mocking me. 'No More,' 'Lost in You,' 'World So Cold,' and 'Last to Know,' were easily my favourites, probably because I could relate to them so well. I was thinking of playing the rest of it, but my doorbell rang, much to my excitement. I ran to my door, opening it eagerly, and Renji stood, laughing as I met him at the entrance.

"Careful, you might knock some of your precious sake out of my bags!" He joked. "You really missed me, huh, Kurosaki?" I laughed with him, helping him carry the bags to the table in front of my TV. I started Netflix, and flopped down next to my best friend, a bottle of a clear liquid called gin, from the Netherlands, in his hand.

"Well you're adventurous." I remarked, careful not to make my intentions too evident.

"That's me, adventurous and brave, Abarai Renji." he brought the bottle to his lips for a verdict, and I flipped through the most interesting titles with the remote. "Well... it's sort of similar to sake, in how it feels going down. But it tastes like pine and green apple mixed together."

"That sounds refreshing, I said, grabbing one of the Russian vodka's marked "ice" around the gold and red banner. Abarai warned me of the alcohol content, and I laughed. As if the rest of these drinks weren't of high proof already. He told me of vodka's reputation of "making people frisky," and I brushed this off, selecting "iZombie," from the title list. As the episode streamed, it was made clear that this was a show about a zombie girl, who maintained a human appearance and her life by eating brains, and became a genius as a side effect, being hired by the detective agency. Renji was already way into this show, talking about the what if possibilities of this happening in real life, pointing out how hot it was that someone could be a killer zombie and be so smart and beautiful at the same time. I was feeling a little disconnected though, answering with my instinctive responses but not being as excited as I hoped by watching a series with my best friend.

"Oi, Renji?" I said, trying to speak so I wouldn't be lost in my thoughts. "Are you really glad to be staying with me tonight, and not at that party with your friends and the ladies?"

"Of course... Ichigo, you're my best friend, and they're on your side too! Don't you know?" his voice sounded hurt at the end, and I felt bad I'd ruined his good mood and excitement. "Ichigo... you're not alone you know. I've noticed you've been looking more down lately."

"T-That's not true! I've just had a lot on my mind lately." I defended myself, hating that I'd been acting so pitiful he had to worry for me.

"Just stop hiding. Say something once in a while, or at least do more of what makes you happy. I hate seeing you without your smile."

"Gomen... do you really want to know what I'm feeling, right now?"

"Yes. Just tell me, Ichigo."

"I feel like I haven't acknowledged your signs lately." I said, scooting closer to him and caressing his jaw.

"Signs?" he said, sounding a little confused, but also pleased at the same time. "Ichigo... what are you doing?"

"Yeah. The signs I feel like you've been sending since we saved Rukia together." I took another sip of my vodka and breathed deeply "Those signs... I like them, Renji. I'm glad you've been sending them, because I really like you." I leaned forward and kissed him, softly, and only for a few moments, but enough to send my intentions across.

"Ichigo, you're drunk. Don't tease me." He turned his face away, but the blush was evident in his cheeks, matching his hair."

"Baka. I'm tall enough to be only tipsy. Who do I look like, Rukia?" We both laughed, Renji's killer half smile back on his face.

"Seriously though... do you... are you really attracted to me, Kurosaki?" he asked, verifying further, considering that I was happily bisexual like most other Shinigami.

"I am, I'm telling you the truth, and I'll say it again tomorrow, when I'm sober, if that will make you believe me." I promised.

"Come here." Renji ordered, turning off the TV and holding out his arms. I slipped into his embrace, slowly, waiting for my apprehension to ease. _Even when I'm intoxicated a little, I don't trust anyone._ I thought bitterly. _God I'm the worst._ "Ichigo. I want to know what's been bothering you." I bit my lip, not sure how to say it.

"That's hard to answer. I don't know why I still feel this way, but when we fought the Bounto and when Rukia was going to be executed, I just started slipping into the dark. And the Hollow. They're getting stronger, even though there are less of them than there were before. I feel like I'm responsible for everything. I feel bad I couldn't change Aizen's mind and get him to use his intelligence for something good. I feel bad I had to kill some of the Arrancar, because... because..." My voice choked up, and I quit talking. I couldn't let myself cry about this.

"...Baka." I felt Renji's hand stroke my hair, surprising me. "You wanted them to be our friends, you didn't want to have to go to war with them and annihilate any chances they had of being good people. You're such a softie." He kissed me, full on the lips, and I kissed back, wrapping my arms around him to keep him close to me. His fingers trailed up and down my spine, giving me shivers so I gasped slightly into his mouth every handful of seconds. I felt his reiatsu increasing, and that meant his arousal was too. I stopped him momentarily, bringing him to my room with a CD in hand for the stereo I had on my desk, next to my bed. I popped it in, the mysterious indie album, 'Strangers' by Marissa Nadler. Renji pushed me onto the bed, stripping me and himself. My brain was sending off some panic signals as my scarred body was revealed, but Abarai said nothing of it, treating my scars like they were beautiful as he tugged my lip in his teeth and traced each laceration on my chest and shoulders. His hand rubbed at my lap also, and I pulled Renji's neck down to my face, nipping at it and tracing my tongue up his tribal tattoos, pulling his hair as I started sinking my teeth close to his jugular. He moaned at this, grabbing me between the legs and starting to please me.

"Renji..." I did the same for him, and felt some hesitation from him, in regards to fucking me. He still thought I was further intoxicated than he was, though I'd downed a sake after my vodka and he finished a vodka after his gin before we came up here. I asked him to stand on the floor, at the end of my bed, and I joined him, kneeling on my mattress in front of his lap. I put my lips down on the head of his dick, squeezing it and running my mouth up and down the length of it, over and over again. I fondled him between the legs, squeezed his ass, and I even could reach up and massage his tense shoulders as I sucked him off. I took his member down my throat, only needing to thrust it back a few times before feeling the sticky seed in my mouth. The sound he made as I brought him to climax got me off as well, and I released his satisfied member, knowing he wanted to save going the whole way for some other time. I embraced him, in all his naked glory, giving him a kiss on each side of the neck and then one on the lips.

The next day...

Renji and I slept in the same bed last night, my scars not seeming to bother him in the least, with my self destructive habit of losing my thoughts in a fight. The animalistic, primal behaviour made me feel alive, the killing taken out of the equation, but the blood lust still present. Kenpachi had become a vice for me. But I knew I would have to cut down on this bad habit, if I wanted to stay on good terms with my friends. I pulled the cigar Renji and I had failed to finish in my room yesterday from the desk, lighting it back up and smoking. The scent woke my friend from beside me, and he put his arm over my shoulder casually, taking a drag from it as well as I finished mine.

"What did you dream about last night?" He asked me. I tried to recall my dream, the memory of it a bit faint, but describable.

"It isn't clear, but I remember it involved you and Rukia, fighting the Hollow with me. We had each other's backs at every turn, and somehow we combined our bankai into this badass snake with hilt of my Tensa Zangetsu as its collar, but it was pure white like Sode no Shirayuki, and it had black markings a lot like your tattoos. It felt so real." Renji and I had finished the cigar by now, taking drags between my explanation and his listening.

"Sounds realistic enough. Let's get some breakfast, wash up, and check on His Highness. I have to give him something anyway."

...After an erotic shower, getting dressed, and a good breakfast of sashimi and seaweed salad, Renji and I walked to the room assigned to Captain Kuchiki, and knocked. The door was answered, and Byakuya eyed us both with similar curiosity to what I saw yesterday in his eyes.

"You two. I suppose you have a gift for me, and you want to know my verdict on the CD you gave to me?" We nodded at him, and Renji presented a miniature cherry tree, in bloom, seated in an amethyst pot with silver poetry inscriptions on the precious stone.

"I'll admit, that's a very beautiful gift, Abarai, and I'm glad to take it. And Ichigo, your taste in music is depressing, but objectively well expressed and pleasantly atmospheric. Arigato. I look forward to what you two have in store for me next year." We were excused, and went back to my living space.

"It's curious. The day you open up a little, Captain Kuchiki does too, just the day after." Renji remarked.

"Ah. It really is, Renji. It really is."


End file.
